Tree rasslin'

[cathyw]

So yesterday I wrestled three trees out of the ground. I mean this in an entirely literal sense - there were three trees in the ground, and by (mostly) brute strength, I removed them from the ground.

Things that helped me:

• They were small trees - one about the diameter of my thumb, two about the diameter of my wrist.
• They were maples, so the roots were fairly shallow.
• I am fat, which means I have gravity and a certain amount of lower body strength on my side if I use them properly.
• I lack the sense to think "This is a terrible idea, surely there is some other method."

The trees in question were not planted intentionally - they probably sprouted up where a seed landed, maybe with some help from the squirrels. But I missed them at the easy-to-remove "one or two leaves on a twig" stage of growth, and Hubby's "just cut it off at ground level" method resulted in more sprouts growing back, so I had to do it the hard way, namely:

1. With assorted pruning implements, cut up the tree, leaving a "handle" in the neighborhood of a foot tall and lacking any flexibility whatsoever.
2. Push and pull the "handle" until it moves, even a little.
3. Keep pushing and/or pulling it in the direction it's moving in. This will result in one of the following:
   1. One of the roots may pop enough out of the ground that you can grab it and pull it separately. Either the whole length will pull out, or enough of it that you can prune it off a few feet away from the tree, freeing the tree in that direction.
   2. One of the roots may break off, freeing that side of the tree without any help from you.
4. Repeat step 3 until the tree is no longer attached to the ground. If you find you're not getting anywhere, try a different direction.
5. Stare amazedly at the small tree stump you can now use as a blunt force trauma weapon and think "holy shit, I just wrestled a tree out of the ground."
6. Put any disturbed soil back in place, at least sort of. Offer a small prayer that you have not inadvertently created a tree hydra.
7. Move on to the next tree.

After three trees, the family went out to lunch, and I apparently came to my senses when given a tuna melt and some iced tea. There are several more trees that need removing, but I could not bring myself to do it, which is just as well because today my arms, back, and thighs are kind of resentful. Instead I cleared out the remains of last year's tomatoes, peppers, etc. and called it a day.

Also: this was a terrible idea, surely there is some other method. If anyone knows what it might be I'm open to suggestions.